Four years ago today was the worst day of my life. Today is the day that my life changed forever. It started at 5:00 am with a phone call from my dad. Josh answered the phone and told me Trin it's your mom we have to go. It wasnt unusual for us to have to go down to the ER for my mom. She always had something going on. I can remember being overwhelmed because S was 8 months old and I needed to pack the diaper bag and grab milk from the fridge because I didnt know how long we would be down there. Then I remember Josh telling me we're not going to the ER we are going to your parents house. I was confused. I called my dad as we loaded up in the car and I will never forget the sound of his voice. I instantly panicked and started yelling at him to do CPR. He was extremely emotional and I told him he needed to slow down and do CPR. I was asking him all kinds of questions and he responded with the medics are here and they are handling it, there was nothing he could do. Fear overwhelmed me. When we drove up to the drive way I saw the ambulance parked and my sister was outside, knees on the ground crying uncontrollably. Josh didnt even have time to put the car in park before I opened the door and ran into the house. I found my dad standing with 3 paramedics and a blanket on the living room floor covering my mom. She was gone. She had been gone before my dad had called me. I cant even begin to put into words how I felt. I instantly fell to my knees and buried my head into my hands. My body felt like it was floating. I had no control and I felt sick. This extreme feeling of sickness. My dad came over to me and put his arms around me. Josh came into the house with S in his arms and quickly came over to me and held me. I immediatly called my brother and told him. Josh went to pick him up so he didnt have to drive. I had my sister who I wanted to comfort but didnt know how to. My dad who I cant even describe his emotions and how he looked. I had these strangers in my house (police officers and paramedics) wanting to ask me questions about my mom and dad and all I wanted to do was scream at the top of my lungs. We had to wait for the coroner to come to the house and place my mom on a gurney to be wheeled away. They made us wait in the other room as they moved her and then asked us if we wanted to say our goodbyes. I held my moms blue cold hand and kissed her goodbye. All that was left was the spot on the carpet dented by where she layed. The rest of the day is a big blur. The day was filled with lots of tears and hugs and quickly the house filled up with more and more family and friends as the news quickly spread. Josh, S and I stayed at the house for a week. For one week we lived at my parents house trying to grasp what was going on, overwhelmed with a to do list of things for the funeral. My mom had just turned 46, a few months before she passed. She had a rare blood disease called lupus anticoagulant, protein S deficiency and factor V leiden. She lived most of her life in and out of the hospital. Weekly Dr. appointments, weekly lab draws over 10 surgeries, and too many to count hospitalizations. They told us that she passed away from respiratory and cardiac arrest. A blood clot had passed. A fear she always lived with. I havnt told a lot of people the story of that morning because it is hard to put into words and I cant get through it emotionally. It feels good to be able to share that morning by writing. Something I havnt been able to do yet. It's been four years today but it feels like it just happened yesterday. I cant believe I have lived 4 years without my moms love, advice, comfort and daily hugs! I miss my morning phone calls from her. Yes she called me every morning and most of the time too early! :) My favorite morning saying, "oh I'm sorry did I wake you?" :) I miss her comforting hugs her funny sayings and her ability to make me laugh soooo hard. The day before my mom passed she was over my house (like most days) and helped me with S. She rocked him to sleep in her arms and didnt let me put him in his crib for a nap. :) That last night she had called me to ask me a question and the last thing I told her was goodnight mom I love you. Talk to you in the morning. Morning never came for her. She is gone and there will forever be a part of me that aches for her to be here with me again. I am very blessed to have God fill that void in my life. His Love is what gets me through everyday. Today is hard because I dont have Josh here. I cant call him today and tell him how I feel. Its very difficult not having him here but thankfully I have an amazing family and we will get through this day together. I'm still waiting for it to get "easier" not sure that it ever will. It's hard to know that my boys will never know my mom. S was just a baby. They will never be able to witness what an amazing person she was. She wasnt perfect and she had her battles but she was filled with love and compassion and would drop everything in a heart beat to be there for us kids. She cared about us more than anything in this world.
So here we go week 15. Only 12 more to go. Josh is doing great. It's not getting easier by all means but it is what it is and there is in end in sight. Feb. 8th cant get here soon enough. My mom would have been so extremely proud of Josh for doing this. She always dreamed of being a cop. I grew up listening to the police scanner and watching COPS on TV! :) I'm tired and most of the time overwhelmed with emotion. It's a hard month and holidays are not the same without my mom. It's rough not having her here with me and my life will never be the same without her. I miss her like crazy but I have hope I will see her again some day. Thank you for caring enough to finish reading this long post.
With Love,
Trina
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