Week 20...the end

Sorry I haven't posted in a while.  Week 20 marked the end of the road for us.  Josh was sent home on the Monday of that week after not passing pistol certification.  Our worst fear has come true.  In the past couple weeks over 20 cadets have been sent home and unfortunately we are part of that group.  We are lost, confused and unsure what to do now.  We did not see this happening.  We always knew it was a risk that we took when we decided to start this journey but had Hope that it wouldn't happen to us.  Its difficult to look back and see all that we sacrificed and gave up for what feels like nothing.  We have no idea what to do now.  The only thing we know is that God will provide and He loves us.  We don't understand why He would have taken us so close to the end before sending Josh home but we know He is in control and He knows the plans.  "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11.  We do not know what our future holds as of right now but we know God does and there is a lot of peace that comes with that.  We will continue to seek the Lords plan for us and follow wherever He leads, whether that's back at the academy for 6 more months or something else.  Please keep us in your prayers.

With Love,
Trina

Week 19

Week 19!  Christmas cant get here soon enough!  My goodness the days have been long and crazy busy.  I am tired, tired, tired!  The boys and I went up north again last weekend to visit Josh.  We rode the train this time with my mother in law and had a fabulous time!  Taking the train is the way to go with little ones.  So much fun being able to walk around, use the restroom and eat a meal all without stopping.  There is no way I would travel by train by myself with the boys but having my mother in law there to help made it very enjoyable and not stressful.  We stayed downtown sac and had a great time walking around and we visited Santa!  hahaha both boys screamed/cried and refused to take a pic.  After a very "are you kidding me these are MY children.....what!? I have those type of kids" thought, I forced them both to sit on his lap and paid a small fortune for a santa pic with both boys pouty lips and all.  hahahaha  I'm sure the people around me thought I was crazy.  I'm feeling lost as a parent without Josh.  I have since day one of the academy.  I keep reminding myself that I cant mess them up completely in 6 months.  Ok, ok I'm sure its not as bad as I think but I'm tired and every little thing they do wrong I feel soley responsible for.  Anything they do is a reflection on me and me alone right now and thats a lot of pressure.  Oh how I miss my Husband! 
There has been a lot going on for Josh at the academy.  Lots of tests including all the scenario testing.  I just keep praying for this week and next week to be over.  I'm doing pretty good with not worrying and really have givin it all up to the Lord.  I dont know if its because my Faith has grown or if im just too tired to care.  Sad to say but just the truth.  I always said I would be 100% honest on this blog.  No fluff here!  Josh sounds like he is doing so good and is really gaining confidence.  Something I have been praying for a lot lately.  They have so much pressure on them this week.  4 cadets have already been sent home this week and sadly the reality is many more will probably be sent home before they reach graduation.  Praying praying that Josh is not one of them.
The bad news is Lord willing we make it to graduation day, we are moving!  Dream sheets came out and there is nothing in the central division.  We dont know where yet but hopefully soon we will find out.  In the meantime I am just trying to get through the next two weeks, enjoy Christmas with Josh being home for 4 days and then I will really focus on packing up the house.  A lot of emotion goes with this news.  We both have been prepared and knew from day 1 that this would probably happen.  We have been prepared for it but at the same time I was holding onto a little hope that we might not have to move.  I am not looking forward to moving but I know that when its all said and done we will be happy because we will have each other.  At this point we are looking at it as an adventure.  We have no control on where we are being transferred to so it makes it easy not to stress about it.     
The boys and I are heading up to Sac again this weekend to visit.  We will be driving with my Father in Law this time and staying with family.  I'm looking forward to it because as of now Josh will be able to stay with us 2 nights instead of just 1.  :)  YAY!  Then after this weekend he will be home for 4 nights for Christmas!!!!!!! Oh I can't wait!  It will be Joshs first time home since Thanksgiving.  We are all really looking forward to it.  Praying Josh passes all of his scenario tests by the end of today and continues to persevere through to the end.

With Love,
Trina 

Week 18

Week 18!  4 months down only 2 more to go!  2 more months....seems like a long way to go but I know it will fly by.  Josh did great last week and passed his test.  Thank you Jesus.  The boys and I went to visit him this past weekend since he didnt have time to come home.  I'm very thankful we were able to see him for one night but it was much harder on the boys not having daddy home.  S screamed and threw a fit when we said goodbye.  It was the first time that Josh witnessed S break down and I know it tore his heart apart.  S was crying hysterically and yelling at Josh to come home and not go back to school.  It was a very emotional goodbye for all of us.  I am use to S having these break down moments.  They come every so often when he is really missing his dad but Josh hasnt so I think it really caught him off guard.  He knows the boys miss him and are sad when he leaves but to watch S emotionally loose it was a whole new thing.  With that being said I'm not sure what to do about this weekend.  I dont know what is worse not seeing Josh at all or breaking the boys hearts again when daddy doesnt come home with us again.  On the drive home L was crying, "Me want daddy.  Daddy home." :( How do you explain this to a two year old?  There is no right answer.  I think if the boys skipped a weekend of seeing their dad all together it would be more difficult but I just dont know.  So we will see if we head up there again.  Meanwhile the boys and I are doing fine, yes we miss Josh like crazy but we really are doing ok.  Yesterday we had lots of family and friends in and out of the house which made the day fly by.  We just have to keep hanging in there for a couple more months and then we will have our Man of the house back!  :) Can't wait.  He really is missed around here and very obviously needed.  Sorry for a another short post this week.  Im tired and dont have too much to say.  Just praying for Josh to continue persevering through and the next 2 months to fly by.

With Love,
Trina 

Week 17

Week 17!  Only 10 more!  It's Thursday and I usually blog earlier in the week than this but this week has been a little busy.  I am secretly freaking out right now but trying my hardest to stay positive.  As I'm typing this Josh is being tested on something and if he doesnt pass my phone will be ringing and he will have packed his bags and be headed home!  I have no idea what we would do.  No job.  No income.  Very little left in savings.  All this sacrifice and hard work for what?  This is something we talked a lot about before we decided to go through with this but we gave it all up to the Lord then and we will continue to give it all up to Him now.  I have Faith and I know that no matter what the outcome we will get through it because we are never alone.  It will all be ok.  It will all be ok.  :) ok that felt good to give myself a little pep talk.  I've discovered that writing is very therapeutic.  hahaha
Thanksgiving break was such a blessing!  It was soooooo nice to have Josh home for 4 days!  We definitely ate way too much but enjoyed every bit of it.  Monday was really hard on S.  I think he enjoyed Josh being home so much that when he left he was just devastated.  When I was praying with him this morning for Josh to pass his test today S interrupted me and said I dont want daddy to pass I want daddy to come home.  This broke my heart.  It is so hard to explain to him that this is for our good.  All this sacrifice and hard work now will make for a better future for us as a family.  Bottom line is hes 4 years old and just wants his dad home today.  He doesnt care about tomorrow!  The good thing is he IS ONLY 4 and he prob wont remember most of this.  If theres one thing I want him to take/learn from this experience is how important it is to Trust God and stick together as a family.  I'm praying for good news tonight and hoping my phone doesnt ring this afternoon. 

With Love,
Trina     

Week 16

Week 16 here we go!  Only 11 more!  I am so thankful that week 15 is over and we will never have to go through it again.  Last week was by far the most difficult for Josh and definitely the most difficult for me at home.  If you read my blog from last week you know why.  I was pretty much an emotional wreck all week and basically was running on survival mode.  Josh was the same.  He came home with bruises on his face, a black eye and a busted lip.  They practiced boxing last week. Good times!  He later found out the cadet he went up against used to do kick boxing for fun! The not so good news from last week is Josh did not pass the pistol certification out at the range. If you've been keeping up with my blog you know already that range has been the biggest challenge for him so far.  He will be given one last chance to try again in a few weeks.  We are not exactly sure when yet.  Please be praying for him.  The good news is he passed rifle and shotgun!  It's a scary position to be in when you dont pass something the first time and you only have one last chance to try again.  There is a lot of added pressure and stress.  I believe in him though and I know he is going to pass the next time.  He has a great attitude about it.  Bottom line though it's not in our control anyway so why worry!?  Right?  (I have to keep reminding myself that)  :) I am so excited that this week is a short week because of Thanksgiving.  Josh will be home wed night and he doesnt have to go back until Sunday!  I'm hoping the 4 days go by extremely slow because it will be the last time he can come home for a while.  I'm not too sure when he will be home again if at all until Christmas.  :( I dont want to think about it too much because I dont know how I'm going to do it yet.  It is hard enough saying goodbye for a week.  Saying goodbye for 2 possibly 3 weeks doesnt seem duable.  I continue to say that things never slow down for the cadets and I can say it again this week.  The pace at the academy is crazy.  It's funny because before starting you can talk to people and they tell you how difficult it is but you dont really get it until you live it.  The same goes for me.  I can somewhat feel for him but only he and the others there can really comprehend what it is like.  All I can do is continue to pray for him and rest assure that the Lord is taking care of him.  He went through a lot last week both physically and mentally but he never gave up and I know he will continue to persevere through until the end.  He is determined and I am right here cheering him on.  His strength and willingness to sacrifice so much continues to amaze me.  I am so blessed to have such a hard working husband who truly cares.  Only 2 more nights and he will be home.  The boys and I cant wait.  S is so excited to see so many "smile face" days on his calendar in a row!    The days continue to come and go.  Not fast enough but at least they are going by.  S's favorite movie quote from Meet the Robinson's, "Keep moving forward!"  :)

With Love,
Trina

Week 15

Four years ago today was the worst day of my life.  Today is the day that my life changed forever.  It started at 5:00 am with a phone call from my dad.  Josh answered the phone and told me Trin it's your mom we have to go.  It wasnt unusual for us to have to go down to the ER for my mom.  She always had something going on.  I can remember being overwhelmed because S was 8 months old and I needed to pack the diaper bag and grab milk from the fridge because I didnt know how long we would be down there.  Then I remember Josh telling me we're not going to the ER we are going to your parents house.  I was confused.  I called my dad as we loaded up in the car and I will never forget the sound of his voice.  I instantly panicked and started yelling at him to do CPR.  He was extremely emotional and I told him he needed to slow down and do CPR.  I was asking him all kinds of questions and he responded with the medics are here and they are handling it, there was nothing he could do.  Fear overwhelmed me.  When we drove up to the drive way I saw the ambulance parked and my sister was outside, knees on the ground crying uncontrollably.  Josh didnt even have time to put the car in park before I opened the door and ran into the house.  I found my dad standing with 3 paramedics and a blanket on the living room floor covering my mom.  She was gone.  She had been gone before my dad had called me.  I cant even begin to put into words how I felt.  I instantly fell to my knees and buried my head into my hands.   My body felt like it was floating.  I had no control and I felt sick.  This extreme feeling of sickness.  My dad came over to me and put his arms around me.  Josh came into the house with S in his arms and quickly came over to me and held me. I immediatly called my brother and told him.  Josh went to pick him up so he didnt have to drive. I had my sister who I wanted to comfort but didnt know how to.  My dad who I cant even describe his emotions and how he looked.  I had these strangers in my house (police officers and paramedics) wanting to ask me questions about my mom and dad and all I wanted to do was scream at the top of my lungs.  We had to wait for the coroner to come to the house and place my mom on a gurney to be wheeled away.  They made us wait in the other room as they moved her and then asked us if we wanted to say our goodbyes.  I held my moms blue cold hand and kissed her goodbye.  All that was left was the spot on the carpet dented by where she layed.  The rest of the day is a big blur.  The day was filled with lots of tears and hugs and quickly the house filled up with more and more family and friends as the news quickly spread. Josh, S and I stayed at the house for a week.  For one week we lived at my parents house trying to grasp what was going on, overwhelmed with a to do list of things for the funeral.  My mom had just turned 46,  a few months before she passed.  She had a rare blood disease called lupus anticoagulant, protein S deficiency and factor V leiden.  She lived most of her life in and out of the hospital.  Weekly Dr. appointments, weekly lab draws over 10 surgeries, and too many to count hospitalizations.  They told us that she passed away from respiratory and cardiac arrest.  A blood clot had passed.  A fear she always lived with.  I havnt told a lot of people the story of that morning because it is hard to put into words and I cant get through it emotionally.  It feels good to be able to share that morning by writing.  Something I havnt been able to do yet.  It's been four years today but it feels like it just happened yesterday.  I cant believe I have lived 4 years without my moms love, advice, comfort and daily hugs!  I miss my morning phone calls from her.  Yes she called me every morning and most of the time too early!  :) My favorite morning saying, "oh I'm sorry did I wake you?" :)  I miss her comforting hugs her funny sayings and her ability to make me laugh soooo hard.  The day before my mom passed she was over my house (like most days) and helped me with S.  She rocked him to sleep in her arms and didnt let me put him in his crib for a nap.  :)  That last night she had called me to ask me a question and the last thing I told her was goodnight mom I love you.  Talk to you in the morning.  Morning never came for her.  She is gone and there will forever be a part of me that aches for her to be here with me again.  I am very blessed to have God fill that void in my life.  His Love is what gets me through everyday.  Today is hard because I dont have Josh here.  I cant call him today and tell him how I feel.  Its very difficult not having him here but thankfully I have an amazing family and we will get through this day together.  I'm still waiting for it to get "easier" not sure that it ever will.  It's hard to know that my boys will never know my mom.  S was just a baby.  They will never be able to witness what an amazing person she was.  She wasnt perfect and she had her battles but she was filled with love and compassion and would drop everything in a heart beat to be there for us kids.  She cared about us more than anything in this world. 
So here we go week 15.  Only 12 more to go.  Josh is doing great.  It's not getting easier by all means but it is what it is and there is in end in sight.  Feb. 8th cant get here soon enough.  My mom would have been so extremely proud of Josh for doing this.  She always dreamed of being a cop.  I grew up listening to the police scanner and watching COPS on TV!  :) I'm tired and most of the time overwhelmed with emotion.  It's a hard month and holidays are not the same without my mom.  It's rough not having her here with me and my life will never be the same without her.  I miss her like crazy but I have hope I will see her again some day.   Thank you for caring enough to finish reading this long post. 

With Love,
Trina

Week 14

Week 14.......only 13 to go!  It feels soooooo good to have the first number larger than the second!  YAY!   We are on the down hill.  They say the last 3 months fly by, so I'm really hoping that holds true.  This time of year seems to normally fly by quickly so this year shouldnt be any different right?  :)  We had a great weekend!  Love, love, love the extra hour of sleep due to the time change.  Josh and I slept in on sat and pretty much stayed home all weekend because L was still sick.  It was soooooo nice to be home and relax.  We dont have the chance to do that most weekends.  I was talking about how it would be fun for the boys and I to go up there one weekend so Josh doesnt have to drive home but Josh doesnt think he would want/like that.  Theres something about being home thats soooo relaxing and normal!  I forget that even if I'm tired of being home Josh really misses it!  He misses it a lot!  He misses sleeping in his own bed in his own house.  Sounds silly but even to shower in his own shower and get ready in his own bathroom!  When you really think about it he is only home 4 whole days a month.  Sat is the only day he gets at home.  Friday nights he gets home so late and sunday afternoon hes back on the road.  Ohhhh the little things we take for granted.  So with that being said I dont think the boys and I will be going up north for the weekend unless for some reason Josh cant come home then maybe we will go up there.  :)  L is finally feeling better today.  Still has a runny nose but no more fever or upset tummy and so far S and I are still healthy.  Praying that Josh didnt catch it this weekend.  He has another busy week which is pretty much the norm up there.  Everything with the prescription sunglasses for the range did not work out.  They ordered the wrong lenses!!  Very very very frustrating.  I am tired of the run around with trying to get them and now it will be another week before we can get the right ones IF they order the correct ones this time..... so we are getting our money back and cancelling the whole thing!  Not sure how much they would have helped anyway.  He will be out at the range a few times this week so I'm praying that he continues to figure it out and learns to adjust.  Praying for him to have patience and confidence.  Praying that the Lord will guide and direct him.  Praying that in time of frustration and doubt that he will find comfort in Gods promises.  praying, praying, praying!  :)  With L feeling a little better I am hoping to have a regular week this week.  We are laying low today just to make sure hes all better but after today we have to get out of the house before I go crazy!  :)  This morning L cried for his daddy.  He pushed me away and said no mommy, me want daddy!  Daddy home!  As much as it broke my heart to see him miss his daddy it brought a smile to my face because Josh is such an amazing father and the boys love him soooooo soooooo much.  I would be worried if the boys didnt miss him.  We are getting closer and closer to the big day so meanwhile we will continue to keep on going day by day, week by week, month by month. 

With Love,
Trina